I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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