The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
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