Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
