She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
