Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
