Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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