Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
