I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
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Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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