Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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