I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
