I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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