Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Randomize
