I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize