it's too hot outside to masturbate.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
