he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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