I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
