You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
