saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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