So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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