if you like me you must not know who I am
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Randomize
