david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
