i think my tv is drunk
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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