never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
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I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
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My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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