just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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