My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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