You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
