if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
