sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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