i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
