i just wanna soil my oats bro
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Randomize
