just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
