"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
