mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
