Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
