It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I supernannyed him into submission
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
