btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
