I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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