i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
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She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
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There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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