you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
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