so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Randomize
