i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
