i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
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