Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
