The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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