Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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