she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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