This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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