3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
So. Much. Porn.
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