I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
