Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
