Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
