ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I didn't notice because vodka
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Randomize
