fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
