Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Randomize
