dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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